A Self-Interview

Saturday, May 28, 2011 § 7 Comments

I am now counting days. In a few weeks, I’ll be turning 27—officially in the late 20s. As much as it disturbs me, being 27 somehow excites me. Will this be the year? Finally?

I’ve said that my life so far seems to be in a standstill, but that doesn’t mean to say nothing has changed since I turned into a full-on adult. Lots of things happened, although the things I’m most desiring for haven’t reached me yet. They have their own time, but in the meantime, allow me to make a brief self-assessment before I plunge into another year. The self-assessment, I think, is best done with an interview with and by, who else, me.

Just a note: This whole self-interview might sound weird. Talking to one’s self, after all, isn’t usually taken in a positive light, and actually recording the conversation is a lot weirder. But take it from me, it’s rather healthy.

Ready? Ready!

Q: So, Abby, how’s everything going?
A: Good. I’m living the adult life pretty nicely. I work. I play. I picked up a hobby, became a little athletic, tried to be more mature, dreamed dreams, and attempted to make the dreams real. Currently, I’m still doing some planning.

Q: For?
A: The future.

Q: What about the future?
A: I’m thinking of what I’d like to do in the future besides the things I’m doing now.

Q: And that is?
A: I’d rather not talk about them until I have concrete plans. But let me say that I’d probably go back to school.

Q: Again?
A: Yes, again. Part of my preparation. But I said probably. I’m not certain yet, but I’d really like to go schooling again.

Q: Okay. Let’s leave it at that. Now, let me ask, what are your expectations this year?
A: I don’t like to expect anything other than what the Lord has promised me. At the start of the year, I received words like “fulfilled promises,” “conquering my promised land,” and “getting my inheritance.” Now, I’m not sure whether this year is the year for my promises, promised land, and inheritance, or the year I’ll get closer to them. Regardless, I keep those words as my source of encouragement.

Q: How willing are you to wait for your promises?
A: Very willing. I know I’m not that patient, and waiting is not really my favorite thing. But I’d like to wait, because God has already given me several assurances. And what’s nice is that He never fails to encourage me whenever my faith shrinks. So I know that although my promises might take long, God is faithful to fulfill every promise and to send encouragement to keep my faith afloat.

Q: Aren’t you worried that the promises won’t come?
A: Certainly not. When God makes promises, He makes sure that not one of them will fail. Of course, I worry every time I think my promises have elapsed the appropriate time. But that is just my thinking. The appropriate time is determined by God. How long God will keep me waiting is not my business.

Q: At the moment, what is your greatest fear?
A: To live out of the loop of reality. Sometimes, because of my idealistic tendencies, I’m inclined to see the world as a place where everything falls nicely into place when I expect them to, where everyone I meet is kind and loving, and where people will favor me. But reality is harsher than what I want to believe. I’ll get hurt, discouraged, disappointed, rejected, insulted, and loathed. If I want to live a sensible life in this world, I have to acknowledge that.

Q: What is your greatest aspiration?
A: My greatest aspiration tends to change as I progress in years. But for the longest time, my greatest aspiration has been fixed on this: To live a life God desires for me—a life that reflects His love and power, a life that’s worth emulating and encouraging.

Q: What about lots of money? Fame? Aren’t these part of your aspirations? C’mon! I thought you said you’re going to be realistic?
A: Money and fame, honestly, are good to have. But I won’t go after them. Of course, I’d like to lead a financially independent life, but that’s different from aspiring to amass lots of money. Because when you make that your aspiration, you’ll tend to do the ugliest of things to attain that. As for fame, well, it’s a thrilling experience to be famous—for people to know your name or recognize your face—but what for? I know the benefits of fame, but I also know how fame has robbed people of the beauty of anonymity. So why would I aspire for it? Besides, I feel uncomfortable when I’m the center of attention.

I’m aware that some people tend to aspire for lots of money and fame, thinking these would make them happy. But we all know the truth.

Q: Is it safe to say you’re content with your life?
A: I am. But of course, there are plenty of things I’d like to achieve. So let’s say my contentment is not passive contentment. It’s enough to make me happy with what I have and where I am right now, but it doesn’t stop me from desiring to do more, get better, and achieve more.

Q: In one word, how do you describe your life now?
A: Standstill.

Q: Is that good or bad?
A: I take it as good. After being in a standstill, I know the onrush of beautiful things will come follow me. Imagine shoving a plug into an open faucet. That’s me now. Imagine unplugging the faucet, allowing a steady, strong stream of water. That’s me in the future.

Q: Is that optimism I hear?
A: It’s more like faith.

Q: What’s the most important lesson you’ve learned so far?
A: Ah, this is hard. But I think it is this: That I will not always understand the things happening in my life. They’re beyond me. But although they don’t seem to make sense at times, I know they are God-appointed.

Q: What about your most important discovery about yourself?
A: That I don’t have so many discoveries about myself because, at some point, I ceased doing some reflection. You see, it’s very important to reflect on your days and to connect with yourself. If you fail to do so, you’re about as good as a robot ghostly walking the earth.

Q: From the point of view of a 27-year-old, what would you like to tell your seven-year-old self?
A: When you’re 27, you will forget several things about your childhood, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you didn’t enjoy that stage. You enjoyed it a whole lot.

Q: Your 16-year-old self?
A: I’m glad you didn’t rush things.

Q: Twenty-one?
A: See, things don’t always turn out as you planned.

Q: Thirty-five?
A: Do you like the first face you see every morning?

Q: Sixty?
A: I’m looking forward to being you. By the way, are my efforts of pursuing a healthy lifestyle serving you well?

Q: To wrap things up, what would you like to say to the people reading this self-interview?
A: Thank you for putting up with my weirdness. I do hope you get something from this. Ciao!

Beautiful

Monday, May 23, 2011 § Leave a comment

Have I told you?
Your love is the most beautiful.
I’ll whisper it to you every morning,
When I feel your gaze cloaking me,
Or on days I feel like questioning,
As I seem to do the past days.
Teetering on the brink of doubt,
I will remember the love of eternal nature.
The force behind I can hardly grasp,
But the grandiose breadth I am familiar with.

Your love is the most beautiful,
As lovely as your name,
Which when I speak of rises hope.
Your love shoots straight into my heart,
And from there starts to root,
Leaving me awash in daily miracles.
Although some have escaped my eyes,
My heart instinctively sees all,
Because my heart and yours are connected,
In ways I can’t even begin to comprehend.

Your love is the most beautiful.
Now, you see, I’ve told you.
I haven’t seen love as lovely as yours,
As determined to go to the greatest lengths.
Let it forever be my cradle,
The fortress that holds me together.
Surround me with your love.
Let me swim into it.
Let me drown to never find my way out,
Because in your love I find my life.

Where Am I?

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